The,Fear,Saying,Just,Right,Wha communication The Fear of Saying It Just Right
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What are we afraidof? In the workshops I teach on managing sticky situations at work,people describe the troubling situations they face every day. Duringthose sessions, we share information about how to diplomaticallyapproach each situation. Too often people let matters go toolong. By the time they say anything, they say it just wrong. Theyare tired of dealing with the matter or they are frustrated that the personhasn't picked up on their nonverbal cues. Whatever the reason, they chosenot to say anything and by avoiding the problem, theyve made matters worse.Why are we so afraidto say what we need to say - when we need to say it? Why do we let thingsgo on so long?Lets examine a realexample:Marsha works in the deans office. Recently, a young Pakistani student, Kara,came to her office in tears. I made a Bin this class and I have to get an A, Kara sobbed. Marsha explained that she cannot changegrades. The student continued to sob andbegged Marsha to help. Marsha contactedthe instructor who told Marsha he would not change Karas grade. Marsha explained this to Kara, but Kara wouldnot give up. She returned to Marshasoffice every day, crying and begging Marsha for help. One afternoon she was sitting outside Marshas door,crying. Embarrassed, Marsha asked thestudent to leave and told her, This behavior cannot continue. I cant help you. Go away and dont come back. Theres nothing more I can do. By now Marsha was mad, frustrated andembarrassed by the entire event. What had Marshamissed? Perhaps sitting down with the crying student and listening to herpoint of view even if she couldn't change the grade would have helped. Why was the student so upset over a B? What else might be going on here? When Kara came to Marshas office the first time, Marsha contacted theinstructor. After she did that, she feltshe was finished. Was she? Could she have shown more compassion? Just because we cant make everything rightdoesnt mean we cant listen and show compassion. Here are some tips forMarsha: Dont simply tell, listen. When Marsha learned that the grade was final,she merely informed the student. Shedidnt listen to how that might affect her. Give the student some options. Find out what Kara wanted. Did she need a certain grade point average tokeep a scholarship? Did she need acertain grade to maintain her status with her family? Once Marsha learns why this grade was soimportant, she can give Kara some options. Perhaps take fewer classes next semester. Perhaps engage a tutor. Solicit information from the student. Invite Kara to talk. Tell me Kara, why is this grade soimportant? If Kara says, I just haveto have an A. Thats not enoughinformation. Probe harder. Tell me why the B grade is the end of theworld. What will you lose by having a Bin this class? Really listen to Kara. Dont be looking at your watch, anxious totoss her out of your office. When things are no longer in your control,i.e., Marsha could not change the grade, do not stop. Marsha could not change Karas grade and shecould not influence the instructor to change her grade, but she could listen toKara and help her see some options. Infact, dont let Kara leave the office until she comes up with a plan ofaction. What will Kara do next? If Marsha doesnt do this, Kara could returnthe next day in tears. The truth is when wefear saying it just right; we put off what we should have done in the firstplace. Time makes matters worse. Things nag at us. We begintaking things personally that we otherwise would have dismissed. Ourfeelings interfere with our listening. Had Marsha spent quality time with Kara that first day and said it justright, she would not have had the unfortunate experience of finding a studentat her door crying the next day and the next.If you have a stickysituation, don't let it get stickier. Instead, gather up your courage andconfront it with compassion and curiosity. Listen to the other person'spoint of view. Discover what it must be like to be in that person'sskin. You may be surprised by what you learn!
The,Fear,Saying,Just,Right,Wha